Follow Your Heart. Listen to Your Own Voice.

Seriously. Tons of people are going to be flinging advice - wanted or not - your way. They mean well and whatever, but I realized that it clouded my own thoughts and confused me more than anything. It weighed me down and made me feel suffocated. One piece of advice that makes my blood boil is when people say "you should do things for you, now" and "now, you should take time to find yourself." Exsqueeze me, but you're assuming that I didn't do this while I was in a relationship. 

Not to gloat about my successes in life, but I graduated from college twice and started grad school while in a relationship. I also went out of the country without my significant other twice while in a relationship. Granted, there are things that I didn't do that I do now, such as spend more time connecting with friends and family, but it's slightly insulting (and possibly implicitly sexist?) when people assume I didn't do this when I was in a relationship. 

I admit that there were times when I lost myself in my relationships, but that was a long time ago, and I know who I am now. I'm never going to sacrifice that for a relationship. At this point, I don't think it's a good idea for me to get into another relationship, but that is something that I need to decide for myself. I don't need other people telling me what they think I should do with my love life.

This is the advice that I need, and usually have to tell myself: listen to your own voice, and follow your heart. Trust your mind, body, and soul to lead you where you should go, and just live your life how you want to (assuming you don't interfere with anyone else's life)! Sometimes, you just need to tune people out and listen to yourself. 

That's not to say that I haven't received good advice because I have received what my professor likes to call "nuggets of wisdom" from people and have added them to my inner-voice, but not every piece of advice is useful, helpful, or kind, even. Some people just think they know everything and assume your story is the same as theirs. It's not. No one story is ever the same, so follow the language of your own metaphorical life-novel. This applies to more than just relationships too. 

I think, at the end of the day, the opinion that matters the most about my own life is my own because I have to live with the choices that I make. But do know, when your Aunt Edna gives you unsolicited advice that wreaks of "the good ol' days," know she probably means well. I guess you could say "thanks, Aunt Edna, but imma do me." Leave her really confused with your young people lingo.

Somedays, Your Sassiness and Fabulousness Might Not Even Help

And that's ok. It might be your would-be one-year anniversary (true story), and you might cry all day, drink rum, wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants all day, and not feel fabulous or effervescent. Days like this will happen because healing is not linear; it's a continuum. There will be days where you will feel like you got this! and then there will be days where you question the point of getting out of bed.

Today would have been Sleepy and my one-year anniversary. It's really difficult and painful. I guess I knew it would be. I'm thankful that I'm stronger now than I was even just a month ago. I'm strong enough to get through it with minimal emotional damage, but there's still pain, nonetheless. 

I realize I should have made plans with friends and gone out to re-claim the day in order to associate positive memories with the day. That's my advice for you. Instead, I watched Netflix all day and made a half-assed attempt to do homework. I also resorted to online retail therapy. However, I'm also letting myself feel. If I need to cry, I'm just going to cry, and I'm not going to judge myself for wallowing or for my inability to concentrate on homework. There's always tomorrow. Maybe today, I just need to feel sad.

The silver lining: sprite and rum is actually a good combination, and it's still my half birthday.

P.S. Don't use alcohol to solve your problems. Wallow responsibly. Also, you obviously buy colored pencils and an adult coloring book to solve your problems.

SBF's Guide to a Painful, Traumatic, Vomit-Inducing (true story, actually) Break Up

Yes, I puked each time I tried to brush my teeth for about 2 or 3 days after the break up. But, don't panic because I'm going to help you get through this. You got this! (There are obviously many other ways to move on from a break up. Mine worked for me, but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll work for you. That's totally cool. You do you, boo! Just work it, and stay fabulous!)

Step 1: Mobilize Your Support System (Friends, Family, Co-Workers, Ben & Jerry, etc.)
Do not retreat into a dark hole in your room. Let the people who love and support you know what happened and what you're going through. If you don't have anyone, e-mail me. Seriously. My e-mail: lindsays1992@hotmail.com. You need them right now because you're raw and vulnerable. Even if you're not raw, vulnerable, and snotty-crying, you should spend time with people who make you happy. 

The first thing I did when Sleepy broke up with me is text my friends and tell them what happened. One of my friends called me right away, just as baffled as I was. I told my parents too. The next day, my parents and grandma basically dragged me out of the house to go to dinner with them. Let the people who love you drag you out. Let them take care of you. Let them see you cry. Don't hide your emotions. Mobilize your backup. They'll catch you when you fall and bring you ginger ale to settle your stomach.

Step 2: Just Let Your Heart Feel What It Feels
Don't try to rationalize your ugly crying. Don't try to rationalize your anger. Don't try to make yourself be happy. Don't force any feelings. Just let your heart purge itself of feelings because, good grief, all the feels. 

One of my friends (see step 1) told me to just accept my feelings for what they are. Let them come and go. You have to do that. You just have to feel. It hurts. It hurts so bad, but you have to let it happen. If you numb yourself or pretend you don't feel like Regina from Once Upon a Time (see step about Netflix) ripped your heart out of your chest, you're lying to yourself. 

Be supportive for yourself just like your friends are supportive. You wouldn't say to your best friend "you need to stop crying because you look ridiculous" or "you're pathetic for being so sad about losing him/her/them*," so don't say it to yourself! Just feel, and be patient with your feelings.

Step 3: Get Rid of Something(s)
If you're like me, you keep little things from your relationship for sentimental reasons. I kept things like movie ticket stubs and concert ticket stubs. When Mr. Efficient and I broke up, I deep cleaned my room. My room desperately needed it, but it felt like such a relief just to get rid of so much stuff that was a part of my past. I think I sent like 6 bags of stuff to Goodwill. I also took down pictures and other things he gave me and put them in a box in my closet. 

When Sleepy and I broke up, I may have smashed a mug he gave me...and I threw it away. I also threw the Valentine's Day present he gave me full of small mementos in a closet not in my room. I got it out of my space. Get rid of things that are no longer applicable to your life. Leave them in the past...or in the closet, anyway (the trash is also a perfectly acceptable place for some things).

Step 4: Find Small Things Just for You
Do things that make you happy. For me, I've been binge watching awesome dramas on Netflix, like Once Upon a Time and The Vampire Diaries. Netflix is a great way to get through a break up. So is music. I think throwback hip-hop is helping me through my break up. Don't believe me? Try listening to the song "Jump Around" by House of Pain. I doubt you'll make it through the song without at least thinking about bobbing your head. Dance parties by myself are the best. I also picked up knitting again. I knit a scarf for myself and my grandma. Now is a great time to do things you wanted to do but maybe didn't have time to because your relationship took up time. Re-connect with your hobbies or go find a new hobby!

Step 5: Reclaim Your Life
This sounds like a big step, but it's more like a bunch of small steps. For me, certain songs have a lot of emotional, relationship baggage to them, so listening to them maybe a week after my break up was out of the question. Now, though, I'm reclaiming them, meaning, I'm not skipping them when they come on Pandora and yelling at the top of my lungs to my dashboard Jesus "I LIKED THIS SONG FIRST! I LIKED THIS SONG BEFORE I MET SLEEPY! THIS IS MY SONG, BITCHES!" It also means finishing the rest of American Horror Story and allowing my English cohort to drag me to the bar Sleepy and I went to on our first date. 

Make new memories with things and places from your previous relationship. Make them yours again. Start small with things that are manageable and not too painful. I started with one song that I actually did like before I met Sleepy. He discovered it while we were dating. I think it was back in October maybe when the weather was still warm. I was driving down the highway, and it came on the radio. Instead of freaking out and changing the station, I turned it up, opened my sunroof and yelled that this was my song at the top of my lungs. Everyone probably thought I was crazy, but oh well. That's what moving on looks like sometimes.

*Note: I'm trying to stray away from assuming heteronormative language, and I'm trying to be more inclusive with my language. If I ever unintentionally say something that is heteronormative, please correct me, and I will change it ASAP! Gender is more than a black and white binary!

Hindsight is 20/20

I had an intense debate with one guy I went on a couple dates with about how the title of this post is actually redundant if you assume that hindsight means, by definition, that you see things more clearly.

Anyway, here's a thought: If Sleepy broke up with me because he wasn't feeling it, and his heart wasn't in it, then it's probably better that he did it so quickly instead of dragging it out (which is exactly what happened with Mr. Efficient). I would like to think that Sleepy consciously chose the lesser of two evils, the option that would hurt me the least. 

I would like to think that he knew I would have tried so hard to make things work with him. I probably would have sacrificed too much from other areas of my life, like school, work, time with my friends, in order to try and make things work with him because I was crazy about him. I would like to think that he didn't want me to do that for him. I would like to think that he broke up with me for both of us. I would have tried, exhausted myself emotionally, put so much into our relationship, and I would have nothing to show for in the end. I would feel horrible. I wouldn't be happy in the long run like I am now. I would be depressed, and I wouldn't be confident or feel strong like I do now. I would feel hopeless. 

I don't feel hopeless now. Yes, I'm bitter and have a chip on my shoulder, but that's nothing compared to what I could have felt if he wouldn't have ended things right away. I hope that is why he broke up with me because that would mean I was right when I told him he was a great, kind, and loving person, and it would mean that he wasn't lying to me when he said he loved me and cared about me.

I've been in both situations now - one where I felt like I was the only one working endlessly to try and make a failing relationship work, and one where it ended at the first signs of doubt. I have to say, the latter might be the least painful. 

Even though I was ready for my first relationship to end, I suffered so much. We both did. We made each other incredibly unhappy. I don't think I went a day without crying when we were going through our incredibly rough patch. 

I have good memories from both relationships, but most of the memories I have with Sleepy are good. I don't have any memories of a prolonged break up. Our relationship never weighed me down. It only built me up, and I didn't crumble, surprisingly. It was good until it just didn't exist. It never went sour; it just disappeared. Not to say that I don't look back at my relationship with Mr. Efficient fondly. I'm at peace with how things ended. About a month or two after we broke up, he finally quit his not-so-great job and got a job doing what he actually likes. I'm realizing that breaking up was probably the best thing I did for him in our relationship.

2016 is Here...

And I realize that I'm using my relationship status as a way to identify myself. I don't know if this is a feminist move or not. Maybe I'm claiming it? Owning it? Working it? Or maybe it's a new life that I'm not used to.

It all started 10 years ago...

When I met my first boyfriend who I would date for 8 pretty good years. Things change. People change, and you realize that your paths are going in opposite directions. Later, I also realized how great we both are, but we somehow didn't manage to bring out the best in each other. It's bittersweet, but it's over. I look back on the memories fondly, and I have moved on in a healthy manner.

The real doozy appeared about a year ago...

When I met my second serious(ish?) boyfriend. After breaking up with my first boyfriend (I'm going to digress and let you know that I will give every guy in my love life (ha!) a nickname, so instead of calling my first boyfriend "my first boyfriend," let's call him...Mr. Efficient because he was very good at everything he did. I have no harsh feelings, so I wanted to give him a more positive nickname), I went on Tinder and POF. A month of swiping later I come across my second serious(ish?) boyfriend. We'll call him Sleepy. It's fitting. One time, he fell asleep when his friend and I were at his apartment, and we covered him in Chipotle napkins. Anyway, we met on the winter solstice of 2014. We went on 3 more dates after that, and then, BAM! we were officially dating.

It was a whirlwind, the kind of relationship where you never really get your bearing until one day you fall flat on your face and lie there for days wondering what happened. I guess that's what happens when you have incredibly low expectations on the first date because, well, Tinder, and because you secretly looked him up on Facebook to make sure he's not a serial killer, discover that he has hunting pictures and a Nobama bumper sticker on his truck, and, awkward because you're a vegetarian and have an Obama bumper sticker on your Bug. I wasn't expecting to be hit in the face with a love brick on the first date. It went so well that we made out to Tears for Fears. It was 80s music good.

On top of that, I liked his family and his friends, and I think they liked me. Our relationship was what I felt like was missing in my first relationship. But then one day, it just ended, and I felt like Wile E. Coyote when he runs out of cliff to run on. I didn't expect it at all. The ground was ripped out from under me, and I fell...really fucking hard, just like I fell for him on the first date.

That brings us to now...

After two crazy years full of heart blossom and heart break. I'm just over here trying to make meaning in a world that I don't know if I understand. Jk. I'm just trynna watch as much Netflix as possible before I start up school again AND start student teaching. Also, I feel like my experiences have made me slightly wiser, so here I go, thinking that my brain has something to offer the world. At least I'm good for a laugh.